Writely So 365

11/03/2009

Texas chili cook-off

Filed under: General — writely so 365 @ 9:21 AM
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A friend of mine sent this to me and I laughed so hard that my face and tummy got a nice workout.  Much kudos to the author.  Enjoy.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.  Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a  judge at a  chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last  moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table  asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came  in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could  have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge  3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1  – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on  the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavour.  Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two  beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These  Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER  CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be  taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m  supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had  to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
 
CHILI  # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 —  Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good  use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium  spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows  the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded  me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m  getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
 
CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S  BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge  # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to  taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,  was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300lb.woman is  starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP  REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly  ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 —  Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the  cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are  ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus  my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The  contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given  me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer  directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop  screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN  VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good  balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3  — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with  gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m  worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand  behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING  SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much  reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit distressed as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 —  You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t  feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,  which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed  me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m  not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S  TOENAIL CURLING CHILI……
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is  a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its  existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when  Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it – poor feller.  Wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 – No  Report

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